10 things to do on a date.

1) Over-share

Who doesn't want to hear about the time you got really constipated and had to give yourself an enema?

.

2) Talk only about yourself

Men find it sexy when you take control of the conversation. Make sure you only about your interests and what is only important to you. In fact don't even give him a chance to speak.

3) Don't talk about sport of any kind

A woman must never talk about any sport to a love interest. Men only talk to other men about sport. If you start to talk about football or baseball to a man, he will automatically put you in the friendzone.

4) Don't eat with a knife and fork

Use your hands. Men get turned on when a woman shoves fistfuls of food down their mouths. As an added extra make grunting noises and a burp or two to show how much you appreciate it.

5) Never shave your legs, cootch or arm pits

Back in the cave man days, before razors and Nair. Men found women sexy in all their unshaven glory. Although men of today do not realize it, deep down, the thought of gliding their hand up bushy leg hair is exactly the kind of thing that will make them yours forever.

6) Tell him all about your ex-boyfriend

Men want you to talk and bitch about your ex. In fact I encourage it! Tell them about every single detail that went wrong in your previous relationship so that they can avoid making the same mistake...You're welcome.

7) Point out his faults

Remember to point out his faults so that when you see him on the second date, he will have hopefully fixed most of them.

8) Talk about your fertility cycle

This one is very important. Really get into detail about when you ovulate and when you have your menstrual cycle. I suggest making him a presentation with pictures just so he can see what you are talking about.

9) Baby talk.

With the high pitched voice and the pinching of his cheeks, he will be transported back to a happy place where the only things on his agenda were eat, sleep and poop

10) Don't wear deodorant or any type of perfume

The pheromones in your sweat will allure him like nothing else! Make sure to run or exercise before a big date to get those sweat glands pumping!




Now if you follow my advise, these are the type of men you will date:

Things I would do if I had a snake

As I have previously stated, I really want a snake and since I can't get one I have been spending a lot of my time pondering what I would do if I actually had a snake....

THINGS I WOULD DO IF I HAD A SNAKE.


1) I would make it a little Christmas hat to fit its little head so it would also feel the Christmas spirit but I bet you are wondering, Chelsey? How would you make a snake a hat? It has no ears and could potentially fall off...Have no fear! I will get it synthetic ears made from the best snake skin or I will just put one of those annoying stretchy string things that go under the chin.

2) In October there is a magical holiday that I suspect a pedophile originally started up...Come on! Dressing up so nobody knows who you are and then luring children to your house with candy in the shadow of the night? Yeah...I'm onto you, you sick perverts. *Squinty eyes*

So back to Halloween...I would hire a penis costume for a very small person with no limbs and put it on my snake and then I would bind my breasts, put my penis/snake between my legs and pretend to be Adam...Yes as in Adam and Eve (Can they arrest you for indecent exposure if it's a legit costume?)

3) I would learn to knit and make it a scarf

4) I would carry my snake around and go up to the most nervous looking people and casually tell them that it really calms my snake down when people give me money

5) I would learn to play the flute

6) We would play hide and seek for hours but he would let me win because he knows I don't like losing to creatures smaller than me especially children.

7) I will tell him all my secrets and we will pinky swear and then laugh and laugh because he doesn't have hands!

8) I will put a bell at the end of its tail and we would go Christmas caroling and eventually start a band

9) I would wear him as a scarf and when people tried to touch it, Rumplesnakeskin (That's his name) would do a snake version of BOO!

10) I will buy him a wig so he won't be self conscious about being bald.

If I had a snake, it would tell me that it is time for pervy pictures!

I know I have had this one before but DAMN!

It is not a euphemism for penis.

I have a secret desire. Okay, not so secret. I want a snake and no, that is not a euphemism for penis.

Ball Python

Not what I am talking about.

Me: "Mom, I want a royal python."
Mom: "For what?
Me: "To hold and play with."
Mom: "Play with Duanne's snake."
Me: "Okay" Walks to my room...
Mom: "NOT HERE!"

You may have surmised that the only snake Duanne has is the one in his pants and that is useless to me. Well not completely useless *Wink Wink* but it ain't no royal python... Not that he is small in any way but you know what I mean...I want a royal python and not Boyfriend's penis...Not that I don't want his penis but I can't exactly throw it over my shoulders and walk around the house.Why am I even talking about Boyfriends penis? Let's move on...
..........
..........
..........

...Cock.
Okay, got that out of my system.

So I desperately want a snake but my parents are firm believers that snakes are the scariest things alive and will not even consider coming near one, let alone live with one.
In fact my father has no idea what tree I fell out of since nobody in my family likes those non-legged reptiles.

Oh? What was that? You want something to perv over? Oh alright!
PERV.OVER.ALL.THE THINGS!

I will turn that frown upside down

 And let me not forget the lads...

It's nearly Sexy Time

Happy Spring Day everyone!

 And Happy Autumn day for my overseas friends!

 

Now that we have that out of the way...

Boyfriend: What are you doing?
Me: Research.
Boyfriend: Those are just pictures of half-naked men
Me: It isn't for me. It's for my blog.
Boyfriend: Why would you be looking at naked men for your blog?
Me: Supply and demand.
Boyfriend: And why is you hand down your pants?
Me: Oh...

On a side note: Boyfriend is very understanding of me looking at half-naked men. Just as I am supportive in pointing out boobs. I can't help it, sometimes these things just need to be admired.

 

 

A little something for the men.

But let me get back on track, today is the first day of spring which leads to Summer which means bikini season. That means no more excuses about eating healthy and no more giant jackets that can hide the extra kilo or two that has been put on. Shit.
Even though I whine about Winter and how cold it is, it did have some good points...Well point. Just one and that is the giant jacket part. But I digress...

Spring is here, bitches! Today marks the countdown to my favourite part of year!
*Happy Dance

From the 1st November onwards is my best. I LOVE Christmas time. It's the part of the year where I have no bad memories, no worries and I can poke people and say "It's nearly Christmas" and then give them a subtle hint of what I want.

They don't even take notice of me when I get so excited and I start to speak in one word sentences. And then I just start to point and grunt. But let's not go there.

It's Kitteh TIME!

Is that a snake in your trousers?

I am not the bravest person on earth but nor am I a coward but there are just certain things that scare the shit out of me. For example I like snakes, not all snakes but a 6ft python holds no threat to me.

 

But a lizard on the other hand...

 

A couple of months ago, I made my family take me to a pet expo that was being hosted in my town. As you guys know, I love animals so it was really right up my backside. They had the usual dogs and cats but upstairs was the reptile exhibit.

I was definitely amped.

My sister on the other hand wasn't very keen...

So as I was lying in bed that night, a little visitor decided to join us.

My sister: Chelsey! Come here quick, we need you to get rid of a lizard.
Me: Are you mad? I am not touching that thing. I hate lizards.
My sister: Are you kidding me? You will hold a 6ft python but you're scared of a lizard?
Me: Yes. They're creepy.
My sister: But...what are we supposed to do?
Me: Let one of the cats get it.
My sister: No shame! They'll kill it.
Me: *Starts to hum the circle of life from the The lion king.
My sister *Glaring: You have a sick sense of humour.
Me: It's the cir----cle! The circle of liiiifeeee!

This is Blake the Burmese Python.

And for an apology for not writing a blog for so long;

You're welcome.

My embarrassing problem...

I have a slight problem. Well not a problem exactly, more like an embarrassing guilty pleasure that can be annoying to some people. I like...No, I love infomercials. The shiny new toys that can make my life easier, simpler and more enjoyable (I am not sure how a vacuum cleaner is supposed to make my life more enjoyable but whatevs, it's not like they are lying...) (<--Yes, I can be that ignorant)

 

The TV will be screaming at me to buy the latest and greatest and my mind will go on this roller coaster of pure want even if the product has nothing to do with me...

Robs (My sister): You don't need floppyBgone, you don't even have a penis.
Me: How do you know? I could have both sets of genitalia.
Robs: You don't.
Me: Exactly! I can't get an erection hence why I need FloppyBgone.
Robs: Sigh* Fine

My favourite types are the cleaning and cooking ones because I have a thing for cleaning products (weird I know) and the cooking ones are really interesting. The rest are mostly for weight loss...

 

And easy exercising....Honestly, I don't even know why I watch those ones...

Nope, can't think of a single reason...
*Sigh...

But then something magical happens, something so insane and ridiculous that the world stops and laughs and when the laughter dies down, they go out and buy the insane/ridiculous thing because how can they not? How can they pass up this opportunity?

 

I must admit I love this weird world of ours. It is utterly ridiculous and imperfect but damn- It has some crazy imagination...

How does one "whore" out a blog?

I was sitting on my bed, going through other people's blogs when it hit me. I want to have a successful blog. No, I want to rule the world with my blog. World blogination. Okay well not rule the whole world since that would seem to take a lot of work and lets face it, I am way too lazy for that. But maybe like a city of bloggers where everything is catered to our every desire.

 

So back to my original question. How does one whore out a blog? Well the first thing that came to mind is hiring an exotic dancer's backside, kind of like a billboard but instead of plastic and cardboard, it will be a strippers ass.

I also googled how much it cost to hire a stripper ass and well...The prank was on me.
HAHAHAHAHA!!* psycho eyes* pulls out hair*chews on it*


Wow- so much porn. Anyways...

 Do I stand on the side of the road but instead of begging, I hold up a sign that has my blog address?
Or do I make t-shirts with M&M written on the tits and have the whole address on the back?
Maybe I should go door to door like a Jehovas' witness. Or go door to door caroling. Maybe both.

Well I am not sure which to do yet so all I have been doing is reading other people's blogs and following the ones I love and leaving a comment or two (Maybe in the vain hope they will come to M&M and love my blog too or something *cough*)

But in all seriousness, there is some major talent out there and I just want to express my awe and thanks in having these people either comment positively on one or two of my posts or actually follow me
*Happy Dance* 

To properly express my gratitude:

I really want to see what they blanked out...

And in other unrelated news...

I passed my Drivers!!!! Whoop whoop! Finally!

And my dog is still an idiot...but those are stories for another day.