Friday, 9 December 2011

Things I would do if I had a snake

As I have previously stated, I really want a snake and since I can't get one I have been spending a lot of my time pondering what I would do if I actually had a snake....


1) I would make it a little Christmas hat to fit its little head so it would also feel the Christmas spirit but I bet you are wondering, Chelsey? How would you make a snake a hat? It has no ears and could potentially fall off...Have no fear! I will get it synthetic ears made from the best snake skin or I will just put one of those annoying stretchy string things that go under the chin.

2) In October there is a magical holiday that I suspect a pedophile originally started up...Come on! Dressing up so nobody knows who you are and then luring children to your house with candy in the shadow of the night? Yeah...I'm onto you, you sick perverts. *Squinty eyes*

So back to Halloween...I would hire a penis costume for a very small person with no limbs and put it on my snake and then I would bind my breasts, put my penis/snake between my legs and pretend to be Adam...Yes as in Adam and Eve (Can they arrest you for indecent exposure if it's a legit costume?)

3) I would learn to knit and make it a scarf

4) I would carry my snake around and go up to the most nervous looking people and casually tell them that it really calms my snake down when people give me money

5) I would learn to play the flute

6) We would play hide and seek for hours but he would let me win because he knows I don't like losing to creatures smaller than me especially children.

7) I will tell him all my secrets and we will pinky swear and then laugh and laugh because he doesn't have hands!

8) I will put a bell at the end of its tail and we would go Christmas caroling and eventually start a band

9) I would wear him as a scarf and when people tried to touch it, Rumplesnakeskin (That's his name) would do a snake version of BOO!

10) I will buy him a wig so he won't be self conscious about being bald.

If I had a snake, it would tell me that it is time for pervy pictures!

I know I have had this one before but DAMN!


  1. Hahahahaha your list of things to do with your snake are brilliant! I'm very much tempted to send you one but I don't think the postman would be too happy about it!

  2. And those pictures are so dangerously making me think of another kind of snake!