Saturday, 21 May 2011

Ramblings of a bipolar bitch.

I have a very short attention span, insanely short. My mind goes into this frenzy of thinking of the most inconsequential crap. For example: Whilst at a nearby mall, I was walking into a shop and I noticed a guy checking me out but on this particular day I wasn't exactly dressed very well. It was cold and I had a sore throat so I threw on my comfy hoodie and my uggs. So even though my gaydar wasn't going off I had to assume that this man was a homosexual and that he was judging me by my poor choice in wardrobe. Cause not to get stereotypical but gay men have an exceptional taste in clothes. Sometimes.

I think it's the shower cap.
I also live in a fantasy world where I am a rock star, actress who rescues abandoned animals and at night when I am not rocking the stage, I am a vampire/superhero. I also wear these fantastically sexy leather outfits. Well last night I was in rock star mode and whilst splashing in my bath and mentally shouting "Do you want to rock!" It finally dawned on me. I wish I could tell you what it was but I have seem to have forgotten. Crap, what on earth am I supposed to write for the rest of this post?
*Couple of minutes go by...

Shit okay, I really can't remember. Umm...kitty cats, rainbows, corn field, evil children, yellow, fur, sneakers. Those are the words that have popped into my head, in that order. I am afraid I might get Alzheimer's when I'm older, my memory sucks. It's an actual fear of mine.
*Starts to hum the jaws theme music

*Picks at hangnail

*Stares at ceiling

*Plays with foot

*Yells in pain when said foot gets a horrendous cramp

*Glares at foot menacingly 

*Remembers to buy slippers

While I was looking up phobias...Weird? Me? Nah... I found this:
Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia- Fear of long words. Way to fail there, scientist people.

How on earth do you even pronounce that? I have gotten upto the hippopotamus part and thats it.

And now for the top 5 phobia cock blocks

1.Hominophobia- Fear of men.

2.Hygrophobia- Fear of liquids, dampness, or moisture

3. Ithyphallophobia- Fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.

4. Kolpophobia- Fear of genitals, particularly female.

5. Nudophobia- Fear of nudity.    

 This post makes no sense...I'm so sorry

My 'special' friend

I have a friend who is very special to me, in more ways than one. Her name is Natascha, we have been friends for thirteen years and in those thirteen years we have had many adventures from building huts, putting on shows, riding rusty bikes, building scarecrows, painting our feet and demolishing tiny brick houses.

There is a vlei opposite her house with an enormous field and giant reeds and seriously disgusting dirty water in which we canoed in. I think we got a couple of unknown diseases from that experience.

We love to bake but just not together...

For some reason something will always go wrong. This is not an exaggeration, either the egg whites won't go stiff (immature giggle) or the oven won't heat up, the cake mixture will separate, biscuit dough won't have the correct texture or we will just read the recipe wrong. So now we have a rule, it is pretty simple, each of us gets one half of the kitchen and we bake two separate things.

We get some pretty stupid ideas like making up an interpretive dance for a house...I don't even know what that means anymore I just know we did it. Trying to organize a wedding for her mom who is not even engaged, we even made the dress and by made I mean taking a piece of old stained white cloth and gluing beads to it.

We have even built a scarecrow for no reason.

That is me holding my buttox. That is Tash feeling up the scarecrow
 Tash is my special friend. She is the only person I know who will be reversing and hit a pole with the front of her car or will eat chips during a game of hide and seek, she lost you see cause in order to find her all you had to do is follow the sound of the packet rustling and the crunchy chewing.

Coming out of the closet is fun.

I have more tales of my dear special friend but for now I must bid you adieu.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Things that suck (part 3- worst jobs in the world)

So I was lying in bed, scouring the internet when I came across this: a hilarious site.

It gave me some inspiration for a new post, so I put on my thinking cap. (Went to google,actually) and researched some of the worst jobs in the world. Here is what I found:

1. Roadkill Collector

The job description is pretty self explanatory, that's right, picking up roadkill is an actual job. I thought that most of the squished animals were at most just kicked to the side of the road and left to decompose but no. These brave men and women actually have to scrape off the dead carcass from the road whilst having to dodge oncoming cars.

2. Crime Scene Cleaner

 This one is more gruesome than job number one. It's kinda like a step up...sort of. Can you imagine how fucked up you must be to do this job? I applaud anyone who can clean up the remains of a human body and not be mentally disturbed. How awful would it be to have this job and you're in a really crappy mood and the boss is around?

"you missed a spot."

3. Ape Urine Collector

This one might be my favourite. Seriously? I think the job market has gotten so bad that the goverment is just making up work for people but alas as I researched further ape urine is needed by scientists to study something blah blah organs blah blah reproductive blah blah vagina science.

4. Hazmat Diver

They swim in shit. Nuff' said.

5. Barnyard Masturbator

This one, personally, gives me the creeps. What if you are on a date and she/he asks you what you do for a living? How do you answer that?

Puts things in perspective, doesn't it?

Hahahahahaha! Nah- I'm still shallow

Thursday, 5 May 2011

Nut sacks, maths and an award

After an intense week of exams, it is finally over. You would think I would be relieved but for some reason I'm not. I am relieved but I'm not happy. Maybe I expected more Wham Bam when it was finished or some kind of sign that all is right with the world. It wasn't even a fizzle. Tomorrow will probably be better when I have actually gotten some sleep and it finally hits me that I never have to do math again! Whoop whoop.

In the beginning of the week Cake Betch from The hot mess chronicles gave me an award! I was so excited. At first I tried to play it cool but then I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

*Runs to nearest family member

Me: Ohmygoshigotanawardbtoneofmyfavouritebloggersishdiwehferfyeru!
Sister: What?
Me: *Heavy breathing
Sister: Chels? Are you okay?
Me: *Manic eyes
Sister: Chelsey, you are starting to freak me out.
Me: *Tries to turn head 360 degrees. Fails.
Sister: CHELSEY!
Me: Okay, fine! Look!!!!!! 

I proceeded to show her the awesomeness that is my award:


And thanks to that, I have had some wickedly cool comments, one of which has actually inspired a new picture to spawn from my mind.

From Peevie Juice, I quote

"You are so balls-y. Like you're carrying a pair in your bag or something. Like big hairy cojones." 

I was incredibly flattered.

I present: The Nutsack

I would totally buy one

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Things that suck (part 2-Studying)

This week is going to be difficult, I have a math exam tomorrow and Thursday. I have just started my period so I am in pain for the next two days and I just looked up the weather for the week and it is going to be raining and freezing cold on Thursday (We all know how I feel about winter) This wouldn't be that bad if I was writing in a decent hall with a fixed roof and windows that haven't been vandalized but no, since I am re-writing, I shall be writing in a place with broken windows and a barely there roof but the icing on top of all that bitchlicious cake is the little memo we get stating that when we arrive or leave to please stand near the door so that there will be less chance of us getting mugged. Delightful.

Robbers Beware: Door Monster

I have cried a total of four times today. The first two times were all out gut wrenching, soul stealing sobs and the other two were sniffles. Added to that, I started my girly time of the month. You know, the time of the month where females bleed out the vagina so this was me three hours ago.

It was actually sunny but cold out- pissed me off no end.
I am not looking forward to tomorrow, if I was just writing the exam it would've been okay but no. After a two hour lesson in the morning and then writing the actual exam for three hours, I have to come home and study for paper 2 that I am writing the next day. Gee- thanks for the break you blady wankers. But on a more happier note...