Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Could be a cold or it could be the plague

Duanne got me sick. I have been in bed for the last three days with no signs of healing. If you have read my previous posts, you would know that being sick is abhorrent to me. I don't 'do' the whole sick thing. In fact this is the first time I am sick this winter. I am quite annoyed that my immune system let me down with only two weeks to go to Spring.

I am pretty sure that I am dying. No one will believe me though. I went to my mommy for some love in my last hours, I even had the big puppy dogs eyes complete with the nose sniffle but she rolled her eyes and told me I had a head cold.

How do you know that mom? Are you a doctor? I see no degree's or PhD's on our wall! Are you really willing to bet your youngest daughter's life on a mere whim? I should hope not!

T o prove to my mother that it could be more than just some common head cold I am suffering from I decided to Google my symptoms. (Biggest effing mistake)

Tuberculosis usually infects the lungs, causing a bad cough with blood, chest pain, fever, chills, and fatigue.
( I am not coughing up blood...yet!) I have got my eye on you Tuberculosis...

Plague is a rare but deadly bacterial infection causing fever, vomiting, seizures, organ failure, and more.
(Besides the vomiting, seizures and organ failure this could totally be my disease.)

Pleural effusion is buildup of fluid in the pleura and can cause difficulty breathing or chest pain.
(I am not too sure what a Pleura is but I should have one and I could have a build up of fluid there.)

Asbestosis is a serious lung disease, causing shortness of breath, dry cough, chest tightness and more.
(OH HOLY CRAP! THIS IS MY DISEASE! But I also have a runny nose...Never mind, I will keep looking.)

I just booked for a Doctors appointment...Now we will see who is the drama queen, mother!

Things that make me feel better:

Matt Bomer

The Hunger Games

Teen Wolf

Jennifer Lawrence- She is just too damn sexy


Tyler Hoechlin

Monday, 16 July 2012

Puppy High

Boxer Puppy

If you have been a regular reader of my blog then you have come across the term "Puppy High" and you know what it means but if you are new, here is the short of it.

Your heart starts to race, there is a slight pounding in your head. You start to sweat because you are rolling around on the floor with puppies and your chest explodes with pure love and adoration for the fluffy ball of sharp teeth and puppy breath. You feel happy even though your adrenaline is pumping and one of the pups have peed and the others are tramping in it and then standing on you. But it's okay! You are in utter bliss.

American White Shepherd
Duanne and I will be moving in together at the end of next year and I have already started going through what kind of puppy we will be experimenting on. (To see if we would make good parents) (No weird stuff) (I promise) This is a big deal. It will be our first pet that we adopt as a couple. The only problem is what kind of dog to adopt?

I have run through every possibility in my head but I can't seem to just pick one...

Siberian Husky
Look how bad ass and cute that husky looks!

Doberman puppies
I keep going through each and every scenario in my head...If we get a big dog will Duanne and I have the balls it takes for he/she to live outside/garage or kitchen or will we coddle it and we end up have a 40kg dog trying to lay on someone's shoulders?

Layla our Golden Retriever

Thursday, 21 June 2012

My funny story by Doug the junk

A dear friend of mine. Who shall remain nameless (Douglas) has been up to his shenanigans again. Just this afternoon I received an email titled "My funny story"

There is a new internet sensation on youtube called making the bus monitor cry. it's a video recorded by a little dip shit child and its friends as they sit on the bus verbally abusing the elderly lady on the bus who is there as a "bus monitor". They spend 10 minutes calling her fat and ugly and cussing and swearing like pirates and telling her to kill herself because she's fat and ugly, and all the while she just sits there silently crying. it has gone viral and it's got 1.2 million views after only being up for one day. As you can imagine all the world is outraged and everyone wants to kill the kids and everyone is making comments on the video on youtube about how disrespectful those kids are and they should be punished or killed and such and such. The funny part comes in when I decided to comment on the video. Here is my comment:

This comment has received too many negative votes
I think it's weak how everyone is just bad mouthing these poor kids. As far as I'm concerned they are the victims here. Did anyone take a second to think about what must have happened in these kids lives for them to behave in this manner. How does anyone know they weren't abused or brought up in a broken home. Child abuse is a world wide problem and everyone is just being extremely harsh toward these youngsters. A child would never act this way unless it was in self defense.
Douglas - 2 hours ago

I got many negative responses to that comment and I replied to each comment with an outlandish garbage remark. here are the funniest ones

  • You have never met a fucking teen in your life have you? Odds are they are being mean because they are stupid.
    Good citizen in reply to douglas 2 hours ago
  • They're probably not as stupid as you
    douglas in reply to Good citizen  2 hours ago

Good citizen#4 has replied to your comment on Making The Bus Monitor Cry:
Their sad little lives have NOTHING to do with their fucking behavior! I watched my mom damn near commit suicide THREE TIMES and almost did it myself and I STILL don't act like a total jerk off. And I'm seventeen fucking years old. I'm more disciplined than half my fucking school.
(Author's note- How does someone "damn near commit suicide?" Was it a failed attempt or just gathering the rope and chair then changing your mind?) 

Douglas commented:
well YOU obviously haven't had enough sex

Good Citizen #5 has replied to your comment on Making The Bus Monitor Cry:
Bullshit. A child is a human, it has free will. Kids will do and say whatever the fuck they want.

Douglas commented:
what gives you the qualifications to make such an absurd statement? are you the judge of the internet? are you even human?

its simple. they have a severe case of ignorance.

Good citizen #1- in reply to Douglas 22 seconds ago

not as severe as yours

Douglas in reply to Good citizen #1- 1 second ago

you must be a fucking retard

Good citizen#2- in reply to Douglas 11 seconds ago

Douglas commented:
that's rich coming from you 

Actually, children will act this way for a number of reasons, not only in self-defense. Peer pressure is also a huge motivator for this type of behavior. Kids want to impress their friends and do what they think will make them fit in no matter what it is. What if these were your kids and you did everything you could to raise them right and yet they act like this? We can't always only blame parents. We need kids to take responsibility for their actions; otherwise, they turn out like this.

Good citizen #3 in reply to Douglas 57 seconds ago

Douglas commented:
I actually agree with you. You're right. We should burn these kids at the stake because that's what they deserve. Burn them I say and let them pay for the transgressions

Thursday, 5 April 2012

10 things to do on a date.

1) Over-share

Who doesn't want to hear about the time you got really constipated and had to give yourself an enema?

2) Talk only about yourself

Men find it sexy when you take control of the conversation. Make sure you only about your interests and what is only important to you. In fact don't even give him a chance to speak.

3) Don't talk about sport of any kind

A woman must never talk about any sport to a love interest. Men only talk to other men about sport. If you start to talk about football or baseball to a man, he will automatically put you in the friendzone.

4) Don't eat with a knife and fork

Use your hands. Men get turned on when a woman shoves fistfuls of food down their mouths. As an added extra make grunting noises and a burp or two to show how much you appreciate it.

5) Never shave your legs, cootch or arm pits

Back in the cave man days, before razors and Nair. Men found women sexy in all their unshaven glory. Although men of today do not realize it, deep down, the thought of gliding their hand up bushy leg hair is exactly the kind of thing that will make them yours forever.

6) Tell him all about your ex-boyfriend

Men want you to talk and bitch about your ex. In fact I encourage it! Tell them about every single detail that went wrong in your previous relationship so that they can avoid making the same mistake...You're welcome.

7) Point out his faults

Remember to point out his faults so that when you see him on the second date, he will have hopefully fixed most of them.

8) Talk about your fertility cycle

This one is very important. Really get into detail about when you ovulate and when you have your menstrual cycle. I suggest making him a presentation with pictures just so he can see what you are talking about.

9) Baby talk.

With the high pitched voice and the pinching of his cheeks, he will be transported back to a happy place where the only things on his agenda were eat, sleep and poop

10) Don't wear deodorant or any type of perfume

The pheromones in your sweat will allure him like nothing else! Make sure to run or exercise before a big date to get those sweat glands pumping!

Now if you follow my advise, these are the type of men you will date:

Monday, 20 February 2012

A few of my favourite things...

(Please note...I started this post on the 27 of January) (I'm a bit late) (Sorry)

I'm back! I didn't mean to stay away for so long but alas, I am a procrastinator and all of a sudden it's nearly the end of January. And nearly my birthday which is on the 30th...(My Birthday has come and gone)

I am BIG on birthdays. See how serious I am? I capitalised, made it bold and underlined it. I love birthdays! It is the one day of the year that you can do anything and everything you want. Want that dress? No problem! Want cake with no calories? Sure! It is a magical day. Now you probably think "For fucks sake, grow up, not everything is sunshine and rainbows" and you know what I say to that? Peter Pan didn't have to, you pessimistic son of a dirty whore, go do drugs off a dirty toilet seat.

And now to celebrate my birthday online I have compiled a bunch of my favourite quotes, pictures...etc

Family Guy
Peter: Here honey, I got you this greeting card.
Lois: "I'm sorry I sold our daughter into slavery."
Peter: Yeah, it was really hard to find one of those in English.

 Stewie: How do you not know that your reflection in the patio door isn't another dog?
Brian: Hey, that guy is a d**k.
Peter: Cleveland?
Cleveland: Hey fellas.
Peter: Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you, except everyone cause FOX ruined it in the promos.

Carnie: Step right up, step right up! You won't believe your eyes. Step right up and see the amazing half man, half clam.
Peter: What a ripoff, it's just Kim Cattrall sitting Indian style

 Peter: Hey Lois, you say something?
Lois: Oh, just that I think that you'll love this cake.
Stewie: None for me, thanks, it's gonna go straight to my vagina. (to Brian) That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?

Stewie: Oh squiggly line in my eye fluid. I see you lurking there on the peripherie of my vision. But when I try to look at you, you scurry away. Are you shy, squiggly line? Why only when I ignore you, do you return to the center of my eye? Oh, squiggly line, it's alright, you are forgiven

Family Guy is just my best...

Boyfriend and I have started watching Teen Wolf which led me to this discovery...

Yes...My Gawd! Look at him all brooding and sexy. That man is Tyler Hoechlin. And do you know what is better than Tyler Hoechlin? Yes! A topless Tyler Hoechlin...

Working out like a BOSS
Okay- Enough of that...Maybe one more ...No, must resist...

Very bitey...*snort*
Oh! Something for the lads....I nearly forgot.

You're welcome, Douglas

Friday, 9 December 2011

Things I would do if I had a snake

As I have previously stated, I really want a snake and since I can't get one I have been spending a lot of my time pondering what I would do if I actually had a snake....


1) I would make it a little Christmas hat to fit its little head so it would also feel the Christmas spirit but I bet you are wondering, Chelsey? How would you make a snake a hat? It has no ears and could potentially fall off...Have no fear! I will get it synthetic ears made from the best snake skin or I will just put one of those annoying stretchy string things that go under the chin.

2) In October there is a magical holiday that I suspect a pedophile originally started up...Come on! Dressing up so nobody knows who you are and then luring children to your house with candy in the shadow of the night? Yeah...I'm onto you, you sick perverts. *Squinty eyes*

So back to Halloween...I would hire a penis costume for a very small person with no limbs and put it on my snake and then I would bind my breasts, put my penis/snake between my legs and pretend to be Adam...Yes as in Adam and Eve (Can they arrest you for indecent exposure if it's a legit costume?)

3) I would learn to knit and make it a scarf

4) I would carry my snake around and go up to the most nervous looking people and casually tell them that it really calms my snake down when people give me money

5) I would learn to play the flute

6) We would play hide and seek for hours but he would let me win because he knows I don't like losing to creatures smaller than me especially children.

7) I will tell him all my secrets and we will pinky swear and then laugh and laugh because he doesn't have hands!

8) I will put a bell at the end of its tail and we would go Christmas caroling and eventually start a band

9) I would wear him as a scarf and when people tried to touch it, Rumplesnakeskin (That's his name) would do a snake version of BOO!

10) I will buy him a wig so he won't be self conscious about being bald.

If I had a snake, it would tell me that it is time for pervy pictures!

I know I have had this one before but DAMN!

Monday, 21 November 2011

What a difference a year makes...

A year and a half ago, the world was filled with endless possibilities. We were getting a puppy! Oh the joy of having a little bundle of fluff to cuddle and play with. We were going to go for training and it was going to be the best dog in the entire world!

I don't know what the fuck happened. I took her for training and was doing everything right but there was a slight problem. Okay a major problem...Let me start from the beginning...

 We did have a puppy, a beautiful yellow Labrador, Summer was only 7 months old when she passed away, she went to get her girly bits tied and a blood clot had formed a couple days later due to a mishap.
She was an amazing puppy, very intelligent and greatly loved.


But enough with the sad stuff...Although a tad rushed, we got another puppy two months later, this time a golden retriever. She was adorable!

 So as before I took Layla to puppy training but what people don't realize is that dog training needs consistency, all members of the family need to pitch in and help but due to recent tragedy they treated Layla like finely spun gold. Which resulted in a bit of a mess. She is not naughty per se, she is just... Well...I...She is just special.

She likes to bark. A lot. At everything. Especially in the wee hours of the morning. Which pisses me off no end.

She likes to chew on her own foot...

"Bulimia dog"
She likes to steal socks...

She also watches TV...

She is also scared of everything....


Every. Thing

Live bugs, if dead, she will eat them
Hair dryer
Door creaking
Sea weed
Dog toys that squeak and/or hard

But when it comes down to it, I love that special, crazy dog with all my heart...

Who can resist such a beautiful face?