Wednesday, 27 April 2011

I hate it when Mother Nature has her period.

I live in South Africa, it is a beautiful country with amazing views and an interesting culture but I am here to bitch about the weather. None of the previous things I have just mentioned matter when it is so cold, this happens:
Not moving

We are supposedly 'lucky' in the sense that we have cold winters and hot summers. I do not agree. I am currently freezing my arse off huddled under my duvet with frozen fingers because I lost my gloves during the course of summer. My nose is red and because when said nose is cold it won't stop dripping mucus. (gross but whatever, at least it is clear and watery.) (Shut up) (I needed to add that, it brings the story to life) STOP JUDGING ME! *Hides in corner, rocks gently back and forth

The weather or more importantly, Mother Nature is a bitch. She is old and ugly with a saggy vagina. I think that's why she likes to torment us with air so cold that no amount of padding can cover up the nipple stand.

And when the long winter nights have ended and summer is on its way again all seems right with the world. Or so you think. The treacherous sun beats down upon the earth like domestic violence. The sweltering heat feels like acid upon our parched skin, eyes dry up as all sources moisture gets sucked up into the earths greedy atmosphere. To sum it all up, I spend Summer days lying on my bed in front of my fan. Now you might be thinking, "Chelsey, if all you ever do is sit on your bed all year long, how do you get things done?" Well the answer is quite simple. I don't. Not really...Although there is a little loophole with Autumn and Spring. They must be the seasons everybody secretly loves. When people say they love winter, THEY ARE FUCKING LYING! How can anybody love being so cold it physically hurts.

Maybe I am just being overly sensitive today... *nonchalant shrug

Thursday, 21 April 2011

Boyfriend is a very lucky man

I was on stumble upon when I came across this, I apparently have no etiquette when it comes to the opposite sex. If this little list is in fact true, I have been doing things very wrong.

 5 Things guys should know about girls.

1. when we look at your mouth we want you to kiss us.
    No, if I am looking at your mouth it means you have something in your teeth or sauce by the corner of your lips

 2. when we say we're fine, we're really not.

You know what? Maybe I am just fine, I don't have to be fucking happy all the  time and just because I am not little miss ray of sunshine doesn't mean I am terribly sad either. Maybe my day has been average, nothing more and nothing less. So yes, I am fine thank you.

3. when we say we're cold we want you to hug us.

 When I say I am cold, I am in fact cold.

4. when we don't wear makeup it's because we trust you. 

Or because I was lazy. 

5. when we put our hands by our side we want you to hold it.

My hands are generally by my side, I do not walk around the mall with my hands above my head on the off chance I want boyfriend to hold it. In fact when I do want him to hold it, I simply grab his hand and say "Hold it, bitch"

I don't know about you but this person in the list sounds a little too coy for my liking, I think I should make a new list.



New and Improved List


   1. When I pry open your jaw and proceed to shove my tongue down your throat, I want you to kiss     me

  1. 2. If I am crying and you ask me if I am okay, I will punch you in the jaw because I am obviously not fine but if all seems right with the world and I reply with fine then yes, it has been a perfectly average day so far

    Obviously not okay...Idiot.


    3. If all of a sudden you feel a vise like grip around your ribs, relax, it is not a heart attack. It is just me wanting a hug but be warned if my hug is not reciprocated within five seconds I will bite your nipple.

    That is me when boyfriend comes home


    4. Sometimes I am just too damn lazy to wear make up, get over it, and maybe I also like to put my hair in pigtails and pretend to be a powerpuff girl...shut up


    5. If I want to suddenly hold your hand, it is me being loving and I will simply reach out and grab hold of said hand, again be warned if you do not want to hold hands, I would advise you to protect your nipples.


    Anyways this post is dedicated to boyfriend, it is his birthday tomorrow. He is turning 24, Happy Birthday, baseball bitch.

    On my birthday

    On New Years

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Studying Math is close to sodomy

I am hating life at the moment, not really but I like to exaggerate. My math exam that I was suppose to write in the beginning of June has been bumped up by three weeks and I'll be now writing it in two weeks. TWO WEEKS! How on earth am I suppose to cram five weeks worth of studying into two? It doesn't help that I have the attention span of a goldfish.

In the beginning of my blog I wrote about the game that I liked to play with myself called Think of poor starving animals that have incurable diseases and stop feeling sorry for myself. Like I said sometimes it helps and this time it did put things in perspective for me. Things could be a lot worse, like I could be homeless, blind and only have one arm.

But still this game doesn't take away all my ill feeling towards the stupid fucktards people in charge of my education. I think it is time for another letter.

Dear people in charge of my education.

Who the hell do you think you are? Do you think you are God? Huh? Do you think you are omnipotent? Well I am here to tell you that you are not. How dare you put my education at risk. Do you hate the young generation? I think you do, I think you are bitter and alone because your spouse left  you for someone younger. Well fuck you people in charge of my education, you can take my exam timetable and shove it up your own asshole.

Kind regards


Your Mother.

Thursday, 14 April 2011

The curious case of Chelsey Button

I might have only been born in '92 but I am pretty sure I'm an old woman trapped in a young girls body.
Why you might be asking, well I shall tell you.

I have a bitch for a hip, yes I have problems with my hips. I'm freaking 19! I shouldn't have to deal with that yet. You see, one of my hips likes to go higher than my other hip. I don't know what it is trying to accomplish, maybe it wants to be better than the other hip but all it accomplishes is making my spine go skew which in turn puts pressure on my muscles and causes me a lot of pain.

Luckily I only have to get my hips realigned once or twice a year and it is an awesome excuse when people ask me to carry heavy stuff.

For someone so young, I take a lot of medication. It has to do with the whole bipolar thing but still, walking into a pharmacy and asking for the bazillions of medication I need is a bit...harrowing

Yaaay! Drugs for me!

I would rather be in bed with a good book and boyfriend snoring next to me than to go out clubbing, although I love dancing, I hate the music they play. All they play is like a trance type music that sounds exactly the same so an hour later I am huddling in the corner begging for the DJ to change it to the next song but apparently he has. Fucking Liar.

I am perfectly content to go to a flea market with my grandma and her friend, in fact I like it. I enjoy their company. On the one hand we have my grandma who is the classical well spoken lady and then we have Marge, who cusses like a sailor, speaks her mind and married the same guy three times. She is going to be one of my bridesmaids when I eventually get married, I am not even kidding, she is pretty awesome. They have been friends for over forty years or something ridiculous and we have never understood how these completely different people even became friends in the first place. I guess opposites really do attract. But if that were in fact true why don't we see more ugly guys with beautiful women or vice versa...just sayin'.

I like to play word board games similar to scrabble with my grandma, Marge and my mother.
I want to learn how to sew. Seriously what teenager would rather want to make her own clothes than go shopping for them.

I like to complain about inconsequential things.

This has tired me out...Nap time!

Monday, 11 April 2011

Dude for a day-What would I do?

Every woman has one of those days that they inevitably wonder what it would be like to be a man. I don't know why but it has crossed our minds. So in order to understand I have made a list of why it would be awesome to be a man and what I would do if i was said man.

First thing I would do is check out my package, apparently it is quite important in a mans world.
Awesome thing number 1:

While on road trips if the urge to pee is strong, you can pee in a bottle! You don't even have to stop! this thought is amazing to me for I have a story to tell about a bad road trip pee story. (Coming soon :D)

The itchy crotch, us women have all been there when you are out in public and...the itch occurs...we have our little tricks to scratch but it never fully satisfies the irritating crawliness. When a man has an itch, they just reach down their pants and do whatever they do while they are down there.

 All happy shopping but then...
 The dreaded itch!

Get kicked in the family jewels! Yes, I want to see what all the fuss is about. Is it really as painful as they say or do they do it on the off chance their girlfriend feels sorry for them and become their butler for the day

 I would wear nothing except a long coat then I would sit in a park and when somebody comes past I'll flash and shake my willy so it goes in circles whilst making helicopter noises. (I would practice at home first-I shall call it the willycopter)

I would walk around without a top on! Oh the joys of it being a hot summer day and having nothing squeezing around the chest area.

Society accepts. (Not that I blame them)

Society frowns upon

 Most awesome reason of all:

But is all that enough reason to stop being a girl? No? I agree...

Saturday, 9 April 2011

I am a FP (Female Pervert)

I like to read. No, I love to read. Reading is my life, my love, my soul. If I could reproduce with books I would. I would marry them and have little pamphlets. I would risk papercuts in my vagina for books. That is saying something (Am I right ladies?) The type of books I love are supernatural, thriller, romance all in one and the super hot yummy heroes on the cover are just the cherry on top of all that deliciousness. Gena Showalter is one of my all time favourites.

Can I get a whoop whoop?
For me to actually start writing this paragraph literally took six minutes, I was just in awe...Umm where was I?...Rock hard abs, sweaty glistening skin, dark broody stare... *Cough
Ten minutes go by...
I must never become a photographer. Can you imagine if I took that photo?

Me: "You! Mr Sexy ass, remove that shirt.
Mr Sexy ass: "Are you sure? This was supposed to be the wardrobe?"
Me: "Do not question my artistic flow! Remove the shirt and pants!"
Mr Sexy ass: "I'm not so sure..."
Me: "Do it." (Death glare)

I am pretty sure I would be in jail right now. No, I know I would be in jail right. He would've sued me for something stupid like public indecency or inappropriateness in a work place or putting a roofie in his drink.

 As you can tell I am a pervert. Yes, you heard me! I am a female pervert and I am proud of it!

Female Pervert Superhero!

The five commandments for being a female pervert.

  1. Thou shall tell girlfriend if hot guy is spotted. (No keeping him to yourself)
  2. Thou shall act in an inconspicuous manner. (No catcalls)
  3. Thou shall not follow sexy man. (No stalker like behavior)
  4. If a girlfriend does not tell you about a sexy man she is ogling, you get automatic dibs.
  5. If sexy man has an equally sexy body forget previous commandments.


I'm off to take a cold shower

In honour of Cake Betch, I present: Henry Cavill

Thursday, 7 April 2011

Things that suck (Part one-Periods)

My little rant today is about periods. In fact I wrote a letter to my reproductive organs.

Dear ovaries

Fuck you.



Now I don't want to sound like a bitch but really? Is it actually necessary to and I quote "expel your lining?" Why can't you just clean up once in a while? You know just give it a little sweep? Why do you have to put in a whole new lining? I don't put in new carpets every time I spill something on it. So why is sperm so special? You do realize that sperm is pretty common and in one man they make like millions of them everyday and with just two testicles to hang out in, it can be pretty cramped so why bother cleaning house for just one of those little buggers? I'm sure he won't mind. In fact it is more than they deserve.

This is what they deserve.

Whatever you do, don't get me started on the other glorious changes that happen whilst on the period. Actually I think it is time for another letter:

Dear backache and bloating

Fuck you.

Kind regards


"Menstruation which includes bleeding from the vagina is found mainly among humans and similar animals, such as primates. In many mammals, the endometrium is reabsorbed by the animal" -Thank you google.

The whole bleeding from the vagina thing? That wasn't a smooth move on natures part. We already feel like killing something do they have to tempt us with the sight of blood? Surely that was a mistake.

The following symptoms may be felt by some women on the days leading up to her period - symptoms of premenstrual syndrome:
  • Abdominal cramps
  • Bloating
  • Irritability
  • Pains, especially backache
  • Feeling generally emotional or troubled
  • Lack of concentration
  • Breast tenderness or swelling
  • Slight weight gain
  • Binge eating
  • Headaches
  • Depression
  • Insomnia
Are you actually freaking kidding me? So not only are we sore in our stomach's, back and head, we are also emotionally troubled and can't sleep? I am surprised that we are the more gentle of the sexes

Or maybe not...

And on that bombshell of crazy bitch, let's end on a high note.
    Dear swelling of the breasts

    Thank you

    Kind regards

    Tuesday, 5 April 2011

    Facebook is bad for your cool rep yo!

    We've all had those days where there is absolutely nothing to do and even if there was you're just too lazy to do it. Unfortunately that's where facebook comes in. In theory it's perfect, games, humour (That's how you spell humor in South Africa-fun fact of the day), drama and you can satisfy all your stalker like tendencies without anybody knowing.

    But there is the dreaded news feed and when taking tests like What pokemon would you be? (Mine would be Vulprix (Dominatrix name for sure) or Squirtle(Again porno name if you ask me) and what ghost resides in your room? (Dog ghost by the way) You don't want your colleagues and friends to see what tests you thought were so important you would risk the embarrassment  of them seeing the results

    Well these were my results from a quiz called What is your forgotten Celtic name?

    Armelle means 'princess' (Sounds about right) and your grace (I am the least graceful creature on earth) and beauty make it a fit name for you. You are noble and tactful in dealings with others (Sure- If you say so...) but forthright and genuine with those you trust. Your facade is for those whom you intuit as ill-meaning or dishonest, (Yeah- Show those bitches whose boss) and your instincts never lead you astray. (I have the worst instincts and direction- I once got lost in a parking lot) You rule your 'kingdom' gently but firmly, and so your home and your heart are well balanced. (I have never been described as well balanced before) You believe in the good while seeing the evil, but not naively or cynically.(Naive and gullible aren't really the same-Are they?) In the end you judge each by their actions, not by your own fears or wishes, and so you are surrounded by true friends. You are a princess without subjects, (What the hell?) only hopes and dreams (I would prefer subjects), and your partner is your equal in all things.

    I like this idea better...

    What is the Celtic name for free gifts?