Monday, 22 August 2011

Beware of Doug (My special friend-part two)

I have a friend named Douglas. He is very handsome and has a great arse. He doesn't know that when he is looking the other way, I will perve over his marvelous buttox and when I am lying all alone in bed I will hug my pillow pretending that it is actually him I am caressing. Okay I am lying, I just wrote all that to make him feel uncomfortable cause he reads my blog (And I love him for it)

What can I say about Doug? Well, he has a friend called Keiran, they get up to all kinds of fuckery together, for example:

Doug: Let's start writing a story in a manner where I write a section and you write the next section and so forth.
 Keiran: No because it's lame
 Doug: we can write the whole thing online
 Doug: ok let's start
 Doug: Once upon a time
 Keiran : The end
 Doug: fucking brilliant
 Doug: best seller


Doug: Can I have a bite of your pie?
Keiran: Yes. *Gives Doug his pie
Doug: Thanks. *Throws pie out the window 

Douglas can also be quite an asshole, outrageously funny but still an asshole...


1) Telling a girl that his name is Johnny so after romancing her in a club, she can't find him on facebook. 
2) Prank calling a hairdresser whilst pretending to be an old paraplegic. He actually got them to travel to his grandmothers house for a personal visit for a haircut. (He got into a lot of shit for that one)
3) Not having the balls to tell a girl that he had just kissed that he had in fact, actually just thrown up a couple of minutes before.
4) Innocently going out for a supper on a Wednesday night but ended up getting so trashed that he had to take two days off work.
5) Putting his chewing gum on my sneakers since he was too lazy to go to the bin. (Thanks a lot fucker)

Yes, he is indeed handsome.

This is the most normal photo I could find.
These were my other choices...

Douglas is also adopted, him and his brother were orphans until their (Foster) parents adopted them. He was what he affectionately calls himself a street rat or a throw away child. He also likes to say 'Only street kids are allowed to drink beer' whilst sipping on said beverage.

And now for my best Douglas quotes:

"The temptation to urinate in a bath is difficult to overcome"

"There is not enough beer in a bottle to fully satisfy my needs"

"I put on my underpants and I walk amongst my cabbages asking them if I make them feel sexy."


These have nothing to do with Doug:

Have an awesome week, everyone!

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Swing High, Swing Low...

I'm in a bad mood and I don't know why. It could be the slight dizziness I am experiencing from my bipolar medication or it could be the stress of looking after a sick boyfriend for a whole week. The thing that really pisses me off though is that it isn't some huge personal disaster, it's just lots of little insignificant things that are bugging me sub-consciously. I don't want to feel a bad emotion for something small, I would rather save it for a time when life really kicks you in the testicles and then sleeps with your wife whilst insulting your mother.

So to get myself out of this useless mood I am currently in, I have decided to put some of my favourite things that I find hilarious/cute/sexy or just plain racist <--- Kidding on that last one but who knows? I have a very sick sense of humour.

This just had me in stitches.

I love Stewie Griffin.
Story of my life
Yip- this happened
I absolutely LOVE Rage comics- Freaking Genius

I found all of these pictures on an awesome website called Seriously go take a look if you want a good chuckle, I am on page 1027 or something silly...

Friday, 12 August 2011

Is that a snake in your trousers?

I am not the bravest person on earth but nor am I a coward but there are just certain things that scare the shit out of me. For example I like snakes, not all snakes but a 6ft python holds no threat to me.

But a lizard on the other hand...

A couple of months ago, I made my family take me to a pet expo that was being hosted in my town. As you guys know, I love animals so it was really right up my backside. They had the usual dogs and cats but upstairs was the reptile exhibit.

I was definitely amped.
My sister on the other hand wasn't very keen...

So as I was lying in bed that night, a little visitor decided to join us.

My sister: Chelsey! Come here quick, we need you to get rid of a lizard.
Me: Are you mad? I am not touching that thing. I hate lizards.
My sister: Are you kidding me? You will hold a 6ft python but you're scared of a lizard?
Me: Yes. They're creepy.
My sister: But...what are we supposed to do?
Me: Let one of the cats get it.
My sister: No shame! They'll kill it.
Me: *Starts to hum the circle of life from the The lion king.
My sister *Glaring: You have a sick sense of humour.
Me: It's the cir----cle! The circle of liiiifeeee!

This is Blake the Burmese Python.
And for an apology for not writing a blog for so long;

You're welcome.