What a difference a year makes...

A year and a half ago, the world was filled with endless possibilities. We were getting a puppy! Oh the joy of having a little bundle of fluff to cuddle and play with. We were going to go for training and it was going to be the best dog in the entire world!

I don't know what the fuck happened. I took her for training and was doing everything right but there was a slight problem. Okay a major problem...Let me start from the beginning...

 We did have a puppy, a beautiful yellow Labrador, Summer was only 7 months old when she passed away, she went to get her girly bits tied and a blood clot had formed a couple days later due to a mishap.
She was an amazing puppy, very intelligent and greatly loved.

Summer

But enough with the sad stuff...Although a tad rushed, we got another puppy two months later, this time a golden retriever. She was adorable!

 

Layla

 So as before I took Layla to puppy training but what people don't realize is that dog training needs consistency, all members of the family need to pitch in and help but due to recent tragedy they treated Layla like finely spun gold. Which resulted in a bit of a mess. She is not naughty per se, she is just... Well...I...She is just special.

She likes to bark. A lot. At everything. Especially in the wee hours of the morning. Which pisses me off no end.

She likes to chew on her own foot...

"Bulimia dog"

She likes to steal socks...

She also watches TV...

She is also scared of everything....

....
....

Every. Thing

Water
Live bugs, if dead, she will eat them
Curtains
Hair dryer
Door creaking
Sea weed
Balloons
Dog toys that squeak and/or hard

But when it comes down to it, I love that special, crazy dog with all my heart...

Who can resist such a beautiful face?

Don't dress up as a giant vagina for Halloween

Halloween is coming up and even though it is not as big here as it is overseas, my sister and I have decided to have a Halloween party.

Halloween time in America

Halloween time in South Africa.

Now I have been doing some research about fun drinks, themes and costumes...Yeah, costumes...Some people are doing it wrong.

I am quite speechless.

I can just imagine how this came to be...

Teenager named Jenny: Oh my gosh! like I wanna be something scary but like sexy too, ya know what I mean, Stacey?
Stacey: Like totally! What is the like, scariest thing to America?

*Thinky face

15 minutes later

Stacey: I totally got it! That terrorist dude! Obama...Wait Osama...whatever!
Jenny: But that is like totally not sexy!
Stacey: We can make him sexy...*Gives Jenny a fish pout face.
*Jenny gives a high pitched squeal then takes a photo of herself in the bathroom mirror.

That is when some costume company got a letter from Jenny and Stacey because I refuse to believe that more than two people are that stupid.

Hitler? Really?

Men in general must really love vagina...

Giant Vagina?

If you are thinking of dressing up as a giant vagina for Halloween...Please don't. There are amazing and exciting things to go as but having giant flappy labia swinging around is not one of them. Which is why Boyfriend and I have decided to go as zombies which is a relatively easy thing to go as and I get to be my normal clumsy self and not worry that I will spill anything on my clothes cause zombies just don't give a fuck.

And now it is time for....

Animal pictures- Halloween style? Oh Hell No!

Happy Halloween everybody!

Beware of Doug (My special friend-part two)

I have a friend named Douglas. He is very handsome and has a great arse. He doesn't know that when he is looking the other way, I will perve over his marvelous buttox and when I am lying all alone in bed I will hug my pillow pretending that it is actually him I am caressing. Okay I am lying, I just wrote all that to make him feel uncomfortable cause he reads my blog (And I love him for it)

 

What can I say about Doug? Well, he has a friend called Keiran, they get up to all kinds of fuckery together, for example:

Doug: Let's start writing a story in a manner where I write a section and you write the next section and so forth.
 Keiran: No because it's lame
 Doug: we can write the whole thing online
 Doug: ok let's start
 Doug: Once upon a time
 Keiran : The end
 Doug: fucking brilliant
 Doug: best seller

Or:

Doug: Can I have a bite of your pie?
Keiran: Yes. *Gives Doug his pie
Doug: Thanks. *Throws pie out the window 

Douglas can also be quite an asshole, outrageously funny but still an asshole...

Like:

1) Telling a girl that his name is Johnny so after romancing her in a club, she can't find him on facebook. 
2) Prank calling a hairdresser whilst pretending to be an old paraplegic. He actually got them to travel to his grandmothers house for a personal visit for a haircut. (He got into a lot of shit for that one)
3) Not having the balls to tell a girl that he had just kissed that he had in fact, actually just thrown up a couple of minutes before.
4) Innocently going out for a supper on a Wednesday night but ended up getting so trashed that he had to take two days off work.
5) Putting his chewing gum on my sneakers since he was too lazy to go to the bin. (Thanks a lot fucker)

Yes, he is indeed handsome.

This is the most normal photo I could find.
These were my other choices...

Douglas is also adopted, him and his brother were orphans until their (Foster) parents adopted them. He was what he affectionately calls himself a street rat or a throw away child. He also likes to say 'Only street kids are allowed to drink beer' whilst sipping on said beverage.


And now for my best Douglas quotes:


"The temptation to urinate in a bath is difficult to overcome"


"There is not enough beer in a bottle to fully satisfy my needs"


"I put on my underpants and I walk amongst my cabbages asking them if I make them feel sexy."

"Fuck"


These have nothing to do with Doug:

 

 

Have an awesome week, everyone!

Failure to communicate.

This week hasn't been the best one of my life. Yesterday morning I woke up with a sore throat and a highly annoying cough but when 7am came, I got up and got dressed and pasted on what I hoped to be a brave, confident smile.

For you see I was taking my drivers test at 11am and I had a two hour lesson just before so everything was still fresh in my mind. (Fat lot of help that did) DO YOU SEE WHERE I AM GOING WITH THIS? Yip, I failed again and this time I can safely say that it wasn't my fault. I did everything perfectly up until the last parking where I barely jerked the car which apparently counts as a roll forward. But in my look at the bright side attitude I have decided to indeed look on the brighter side. So with the advise from my anger management I am going to write a letter.

Dear Mr Man who failed me.

You are quite noticeably fat and not just a little bit porky, you have a pot belly and a half. In my caring manner and looking on the bright side of life I wanted to ask you if you are maybe diabetic? Do you have to go to the loo quite often and when you do does it burn when you pee? I hope it doesn't cause I would never wish this upon you.

And on the off chance you slip into a diabetic coma, can you maybe put it in the newspaper or something so I can celebrate pray for you.

I also see you are going bald but that's okay, I bet your wife doesn't regret marrying you even though your wedding ring can never come off since you gotten so fat unless you cut it it off which could be a likely possibility with your diabetes and all.

Best wishes.

Chelsey.

That was just yesterday and when my aching body woke me up this morning at 5am with coughing, slight nausea and weather so cold my face was numb that was just the topping of this shit filled cake. So I have been laying in bed the whole day, complete with backache, stomachache, headache, sore throat, constant coughing, bleeding from the vagina and paining legs, all the symptoms of my period and my mild flu, I am gloriously happy.
Takes napkin and wipes the bullshit from her mouth*

Okay, I am miserable. My body is uncomfortable from lying down and when I get up my body gets so sore I walk with a slight hump. (haha, 'hump') I can't even enjoy the junk food my wonderful mommy bought for me. Now that is a tragedy.

But so as to not get you down, here is a couple of amusing pictures that have kept me sane today...

Is it a yawn, is it a sneeze? I... don't... know!

Llama say what?

Thought CakeBetch would get a kick out of this one:

 Squirrel Mimes!

"I will destroy you"

IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE HE IS TOTALLY THINKING THAT!

Bitch, please...