Things I would do if I had a snake

As I have previously stated, I really want a snake and since I can't get one I have been spending a lot of my time pondering what I would do if I actually had a snake....

THINGS I WOULD DO IF I HAD A SNAKE.


1) I would make it a little Christmas hat to fit its little head so it would also feel the Christmas spirit but I bet you are wondering, Chelsey? How would you make a snake a hat? It has no ears and could potentially fall off...Have no fear! I will get it synthetic ears made from the best snake skin or I will just put one of those annoying stretchy string things that go under the chin.

2) In October there is a magical holiday that I suspect a pedophile originally started up...Come on! Dressing up so nobody knows who you are and then luring children to your house with candy in the shadow of the night? Yeah...I'm onto you, you sick perverts. *Squinty eyes*

So back to Halloween...I would hire a penis costume for a very small person with no limbs and put it on my snake and then I would bind my breasts, put my penis/snake between my legs and pretend to be Adam...Yes as in Adam and Eve (Can they arrest you for indecent exposure if it's a legit costume?)

3) I would learn to knit and make it a scarf

4) I would carry my snake around and go up to the most nervous looking people and casually tell them that it really calms my snake down when people give me money

5) I would learn to play the flute

6) We would play hide and seek for hours but he would let me win because he knows I don't like losing to creatures smaller than me especially children.

7) I will tell him all my secrets and we will pinky swear and then laugh and laugh because he doesn't have hands!

8) I will put a bell at the end of its tail and we would go Christmas caroling and eventually start a band

9) I would wear him as a scarf and when people tried to touch it, Rumplesnakeskin (That's his name) would do a snake version of BOO!

10) I will buy him a wig so he won't be self conscious about being bald.

If I had a snake, it would tell me that it is time for pervy pictures!

I know I have had this one before but DAMN!

What a difference a year makes...

A year and a half ago, the world was filled with endless possibilities. We were getting a puppy! Oh the joy of having a little bundle of fluff to cuddle and play with. We were going to go for training and it was going to be the best dog in the entire world!

I don't know what the fuck happened. I took her for training and was doing everything right but there was a slight problem. Okay a major problem...Let me start from the beginning...

 We did have a puppy, a beautiful yellow Labrador, Summer was only 7 months old when she passed away, she went to get her girly bits tied and a blood clot had formed a couple days later due to a mishap.
She was an amazing puppy, very intelligent and greatly loved.

Summer

But enough with the sad stuff...Although a tad rushed, we got another puppy two months later, this time a golden retriever. She was adorable!

 

Layla

 So as before I took Layla to puppy training but what people don't realize is that dog training needs consistency, all members of the family need to pitch in and help but due to recent tragedy they treated Layla like finely spun gold. Which resulted in a bit of a mess. She is not naughty per se, she is just... Well...I...She is just special.

She likes to bark. A lot. At everything. Especially in the wee hours of the morning. Which pisses me off no end.

She likes to chew on her own foot...

"Bulimia dog"

She likes to steal socks...

She also watches TV...

She is also scared of everything....

....
....

Every. Thing

Water
Live bugs, if dead, she will eat them
Curtains
Hair dryer
Door creaking
Sea weed
Balloons
Dog toys that squeak and/or hard

But when it comes down to it, I love that special, crazy dog with all my heart...

Who can resist such a beautiful face?

It is not a euphemism for penis.

I have a secret desire. Okay, not so secret. I want a snake and no, that is not a euphemism for penis.

Ball Python

Not what I am talking about.

Me: "Mom, I want a royal python."
Mom: "For what?
Me: "To hold and play with."
Mom: "Play with Duanne's snake."
Me: "Okay" Walks to my room...
Mom: "NOT HERE!"

You may have surmised that the only snake Duanne has is the one in his pants and that is useless to me. Well not completely useless *Wink Wink* but it ain't no royal python... Not that he is small in any way but you know what I mean...I want a royal python and not Boyfriend's penis...Not that I don't want his penis but I can't exactly throw it over my shoulders and walk around the house.Why am I even talking about Boyfriends penis? Let's move on...
..........
..........
..........

...Cock.
Okay, got that out of my system.

So I desperately want a snake but my parents are firm believers that snakes are the scariest things alive and will not even consider coming near one, let alone live with one.
In fact my father has no idea what tree I fell out of since nobody in my family likes those non-legged reptiles.

Oh? What was that? You want something to perv over? Oh alright!
PERV.OVER.ALL.THE THINGS!

I will turn that frown upside down

 And let me not forget the lads...

Chicks with dicks

Now that I have your attention, you sick little perverts, (who I am very proud to call my followers.) I would like to sincerely apologize for my lack of posts and comments and general Internet interest but alas my family has been going through a very shitty time and my mind had decided to go AWOL... Well that maybe a bit of an exaggeration as I have been able to tell complete strangers and inanimate objects to either go and fuck themselves or to just fuck off...Anything insulting really...


What has really helped me to keep utter and full blown depression away is keeping busy and this little guy...

How freaking cute is that????

Look at the little paws and nose and tiny ears! That was just too much for me and I went into a state I like to call a "puppy high" Which is basically when you see any baby animal (not only puppies) and basically act like a complete idiot. Large stupid grin? Check. High squeaky voice? Check. Trying to estimate whether the baby animal can fit in your bag and if you can run faster than the owner? Check.


Another thing that has kept me sorta sane is scouring the internet for funnies...these are a few of my favourites...

Gotta love infomercials!!

Okay all, a proper post is formulating in my head as I write this just wanted to let you all know I am still alive...I promise I will have some sexy ass pervertedness in countless bounds soon


xoxo

Don't dress up as a giant vagina for Halloween

Halloween is coming up and even though it is not as big here as it is overseas, my sister and I have decided to have a Halloween party.

Halloween time in America

Halloween time in South Africa.

Now I have been doing some research about fun drinks, themes and costumes...Yeah, costumes...Some people are doing it wrong.

I am quite speechless.

I can just imagine how this came to be...

Teenager named Jenny: Oh my gosh! like I wanna be something scary but like sexy too, ya know what I mean, Stacey?
Stacey: Like totally! What is the like, scariest thing to America?

*Thinky face

15 minutes later

Stacey: I totally got it! That terrorist dude! Obama...Wait Osama...whatever!
Jenny: But that is like totally not sexy!
Stacey: We can make him sexy...*Gives Jenny a fish pout face.
*Jenny gives a high pitched squeal then takes a photo of herself in the bathroom mirror.

That is when some costume company got a letter from Jenny and Stacey because I refuse to believe that more than two people are that stupid.

Hitler? Really?

Men in general must really love vagina...

Giant Vagina?

If you are thinking of dressing up as a giant vagina for Halloween...Please don't. There are amazing and exciting things to go as but having giant flappy labia swinging around is not one of them. Which is why Boyfriend and I have decided to go as zombies which is a relatively easy thing to go as and I get to be my normal clumsy self and not worry that I will spill anything on my clothes cause zombies just don't give a fuck.

And now it is time for....

Animal pictures- Halloween style? Oh Hell No!

Happy Halloween everybody!

Age is nothing but a number

 Adults are weird. Not a twenty-something year old adult. I mean a proper adult like someone in their forties with children and a house with more than one toilet. They can be smart but also unbelievably dumb, like with technology. For example:

*After showing my mom how to work the DVD player, I am in the kitchen making lunch
Mom: Chelsey! How do I put the volume up?
Me: Press the button that has a 'V' on it
Mom: Nothing is happening!
Me: The TV remote not the DVD remote!
Mom: Oh... nothing is happening! Just come here!
*Rolling my eyes, I walk into her room and stop dead.

Not the TV remote, it was the DSTV remote.

Me: Are you joking?
Mom: What? Why?
Me: I said TV remote. TV.
Mom: Oh silly me, you are my hero!

She didn't really say I was her hero, I just wanted to draw this.

I know in some parts of the world I would be considered an adult already but in my own world, I'm not even close.

A list of reasons why I can't be an adult...yet


1. I hate coffee (Everyone knows you are only an adult if you drink coffee)
2. I love cartoons
3. Only eat certain vegetables
4. Can wear the same pair of socks for three days and not care
5. I still do incredibly stupid things like cutting out a chunk of flesh from my arse... (Don't ask)

I was chatting to my sister about it the other day, it was a rather short conversation in which I made her sort of depressed.

Robyn: I can't believe you're turning twenty in a couple of months.
Me: I know! I can't believe you're going to be twenty-seven.
Robyn: Oh. Right.


*Awkward silence

Me: I'm sorry.

Hmmm....What do I have here? Is that funny pictures? Oh Hell's Yeah!

 

Sad Panda Nerd

Sad Panda

I am sort of sick... again...It started with a sore throat and steadily got worse but I'm not sick sick, like I wish I were dead instead of in this agony that my dripping, sore nose is putting me through. But I am sick enough that I have to stay in bed otherwise I get dizzy and nauseous which is not good for my already uncoordinated self.

I have walked into my door frame three times.

It is time to write a semi-angry letter.

Dear white blood cells

Although I appreciate your hard work in fighting off germs and bacteria,

can you please hurry the fuck up and make me healthy again...

Lots of love

Chelsey

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnlULOjUhSQ

Call me a nerd- But I think that is freaking EPIC! A white blood cell chasing bacteria and absorbing it?

 Fucking A!

Onto the subject of nerds...

Get it? *Snort*

Although I call myself a nerd regularly, I'm not really... Sure, I read a lot, play lots of video games and spend most of my day laughing at memes but I just don't have the brain for it...To put it in a nutshell...I'm not smart enough to be a nerd. Which is kind of depressing but it's okay, I've got Google.

*Jaws Theme*

I don't why I find this so funny

This happens every time I see a baby animal.

Which is kind of a problem since Tash and I started volunteering at a SPCA. We have a blast but...We might have started getting attached already...since we have named all 30 cats but that is another story...

Fare thee well, bitches...