My embarrassing problem...

I have a slight problem. Well not a problem exactly, more like an embarrassing guilty pleasure that can be annoying to some people. I like...No, I love infomercials. The shiny new toys that can make my life easier, simpler and more enjoyable (I am not sure how a vacuum cleaner is supposed to make my life more enjoyable but whatevs, it's not like they are lying...) (<--Yes, I can be that ignorant)

 

The TV will be screaming at me to buy the latest and greatest and my mind will go on this roller coaster of pure want even if the product has nothing to do with me...

Robs (My sister): You don't need floppyBgone, you don't even have a penis.
Me: How do you know? I could have both sets of genitalia.
Robs: You don't.
Me: Exactly! I can't get an erection hence why I need FloppyBgone.
Robs: Sigh* Fine

My favourite types are the cleaning and cooking ones because I have a thing for cleaning products (weird I know) and the cooking ones are really interesting. The rest are mostly for weight loss...

 

And easy exercising....Honestly, I don't even know why I watch those ones...

Nope, can't think of a single reason...
*Sigh...

But then something magical happens, something so insane and ridiculous that the world stops and laughs and when the laughter dies down, they go out and buy the insane/ridiculous thing because how can they not? How can they pass up this opportunity?

 

I must admit I love this weird world of ours. It is utterly ridiculous and imperfect but damn- It has some crazy imagination...

How does one "whore" out a blog?

I was sitting on my bed, going through other people's blogs when it hit me. I want to have a successful blog. No, I want to rule the world with my blog. World blogination. Okay well not rule the whole world since that would seem to take a lot of work and lets face it, I am way too lazy for that. But maybe like a city of bloggers where everything is catered to our every desire.

 

So back to my original question. How does one whore out a blog? Well the first thing that came to mind is hiring an exotic dancer's backside, kind of like a billboard but instead of plastic and cardboard, it will be a strippers ass.

I also googled how much it cost to hire a stripper ass and well...The prank was on me.
HAHAHAHAHA!!* psycho eyes* pulls out hair*chews on it*


Wow- so much porn. Anyways...

 Do I stand on the side of the road but instead of begging, I hold up a sign that has my blog address?
Or do I make t-shirts with M&M written on the tits and have the whole address on the back?
Maybe I should go door to door like a Jehovas' witness. Or go door to door caroling. Maybe both.

Well I am not sure which to do yet so all I have been doing is reading other people's blogs and following the ones I love and leaving a comment or two (Maybe in the vain hope they will come to M&M and love my blog too or something *cough*)

But in all seriousness, there is some major talent out there and I just want to express my awe and thanks in having these people either comment positively on one or two of my posts or actually follow me
*Happy Dance* 

To properly express my gratitude:

I really want to see what they blanked out...

And in other unrelated news...

I passed my Drivers!!!! Whoop whoop! Finally!

And my dog is still an idiot...but those are stories for another day.

Things that suck (Annoying Drunk People)

I kind of dislike people in general and when these people are drunk that dislike becomes something a little more intense, not hatred just dislike and irritation mixed together in a tiny ball of animosity. Now not all drunk people are annoying some are actually fun and sometimes I like them better inebriated but there are just those few that can't handle their drink. Take boyfriend for example, I find him quite adorable when he is drunk, yes I might be biased but I don't care, he is loving and proposes a lot in which I take devilish glee in reminding him the next morning. But I digress...

This weekend I met the worlds most annoying drunk, besides trying to pick fights with anything and everything that moves...

 

 

He liked to stand very close to whomever he was talking too:

 

So on top of swearing a lot, wanting to fight and standing so close that the fumes from his breath stings your eyes, he then kept repeating himself over and over and over.

 

And then the crying...

Luckily the man that can't handle his drink started hitting the bottle early on so went to bed quite early-ish.

Well I don't know how to end off this post so here is a picture of a cat:

Q&A- I'm not very good at them

Okay, I got this email a couple of months ago and it basically asks you a bunch of random ass questions and as I was stalking my newest follower, Kay Bee, (I am sorry, I read how you were a tad freaked out about things like that but don't worry, I am not technologically advanced enough to even hack into my own account) I saw on her blog a question and answer thing and I thought to myself, what the hell? I only have my self respect and dignity to lose, let's do it.

Were you named after anyone?


No.

Do you use sarcasm a lot? 


Yes.

Do you still have your tonsils?


Yes.

Do you wear contacts?


No.

I'm not very good at this. Let's try a question that is not yes or no.


What is your special talent?


I can get lost very easily, I have no sense of direction. That counts as a special talent, right?

What is the worst time to say I love you?


First date maybe? Geez I don't know.

What is the last CD you bought?


Lady Gaga's Born this way- Facking Brilliant.

Is yours an innie or an outtie?


Innie- I hope to goodness that we are talking about bellybuttons here...



Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bee's?


Neither

Okay that is enough for now but it has brought me onto my next subject. Job interviews. Now I have only been on one about two years ago at a video store and while they were asking me the basic questions and were about to go on to the more in depth questions I was in a conundrum. Should I answer truthfully or must I lie through my teeth. I opted for honesty and all could say is...What a waste of time. Always lie! if they ask you what your biggest weakness is say you work too hard not that you are insanely forgetful or if they ask you what is the hardest thing you had to go through say it was when your dog died and not when you first got diagnosed with a slight mental disorder.
Trust me, I think I scared them a little with the last one.

Anyways here is a picture I found on the internet that tickled my funny bone:

All we need is just a little patience. (Well it's a nice thought)

I am pretty good at waiting for people, I can sit in a car for over an hour while my mother does whatever moms do in a shopping centre that takes so effing long. The first thing I do is listen to music but once that CD has played through and my vocal chords need a break from singing 'Don't stop believing' there is another glorious invention. The cellphone. Not the crappy bricks from the olden days but the new improved phones. Phones that can play movies, music and games with internet at the touch of a button...

But back to the subject at hand besides being an awesome Guns&Roses song, patience is something I sometimes lack for example:

List of things I have no patience for:

1. Slow internet.
2. Tangled wires
3. Stupid people
4. Trance music
5. Liars
6. Ppl dat spel lyk dis
7.Sugar free candy- what a load of shit
8. Chain letters- I have not been murdered/slaughtered/maimed/gutted at midnight by a ghost/serial killer/demon/werewolf/ vengeful spirit or shadow.
9. Asshole drivers
10. Any airport waiting

List of things I do have patience for:

1. Cats
2. Dogs
3. Any kind of animal really.
4. Friends
5. Food- I love food
6. Learner drivers ( I'm a learner driver :D but not for long!)
7. Family- sometimes

Okay I have given up trying to think of things that I have patience for, there aren't many and it's starting to give me a headache.

Like I said before, I care a lot for my friends and I can get a little bit overprotective. For example, My parents bought me my first car. (It is freaking awesome but I digress)  Sarah, my dear friend drove us back from the shop and because she doesn't know the car, she stalled which made the stupid bitch woman that was thirty meters behind us have to go around us instead of straight, she was deeply unhappy and showed her hostility with a lot of head shaking, swearing, hooting and dirty looks. Sarah did all the right things, put the hazards on, apologized and all that nonsense. I on other hand smacked the window and shouted right back actually...It went a little something like this:

Me: What a fucking bitch
Sarah: I know but it's fine
Me: No, it's not! Who the hell does she think she is!
Sarah: It's ok
Me (To the bitch now in front of us): Go die a pitiful death! Stupid runt.(Except runt actually started with a C)
Sarah: Chels! Show a little bit of compassion.
Me: Fine, Go die a slow painful death so you can say goodbye to your relatives, bitch.

Drama Queen, Me? Puh-lease!

Some people may refer to me as being a "drama queen" I don't know where they got these inaccurate accusations from but to each his own. The only time I do agree with them though is when I am sick, you think men are bad?.. I am nearly on their level. (I know, right? Crazy) But not only am I a drama queen, my moods can be somewhat... erratic.

 

But thankfully I have my loving sister to keep my spirits up;

*Laying on my bed, playing computer games

Robyn: Whatcha doing?
Me: Same thing that I have been doing for the last three days.
Robyn: Oh oka... *Takes closer look at my face
Me: What?
R: Is that what you look like without make up on?
Me: Yes...Why?
R: Nothing, nothing...
Me: Then why are you talking to the wall and not directly at me.
R: You look weird.
Me: I don't look that bad.
R: You're pasty, white and dead looking.
Me: Gee thanks.
R: Like a vampire.
Me: Vampires are supposed to be sexy.
R: Never mind then.

I guess not washing my hair for the last week hasn't helped my case but whatever, I am a sick panda, I am allowed to look like shit, even if it is pasty, white and dead looking.

Failure to communicate.

This week hasn't been the best one of my life. Yesterday morning I woke up with a sore throat and a highly annoying cough but when 7am came, I got up and got dressed and pasted on what I hoped to be a brave, confident smile.

For you see I was taking my drivers test at 11am and I had a two hour lesson just before so everything was still fresh in my mind. (Fat lot of help that did) DO YOU SEE WHERE I AM GOING WITH THIS? Yip, I failed again and this time I can safely say that it wasn't my fault. I did everything perfectly up until the last parking where I barely jerked the car which apparently counts as a roll forward. But in my look at the bright side attitude I have decided to indeed look on the brighter side. So with the advise from my anger management I am going to write a letter.

Dear Mr Man who failed me.

You are quite noticeably fat and not just a little bit porky, you have a pot belly and a half. In my caring manner and looking on the bright side of life I wanted to ask you if you are maybe diabetic? Do you have to go to the loo quite often and when you do does it burn when you pee? I hope it doesn't cause I would never wish this upon you.

And on the off chance you slip into a diabetic coma, can you maybe put it in the newspaper or something so I can celebrate pray for you.

I also see you are going bald but that's okay, I bet your wife doesn't regret marrying you even though your wedding ring can never come off since you gotten so fat unless you cut it it off which could be a likely possibility with your diabetes and all.

Best wishes.

Chelsey.

That was just yesterday and when my aching body woke me up this morning at 5am with coughing, slight nausea and weather so cold my face was numb that was just the topping of this shit filled cake. So I have been laying in bed the whole day, complete with backache, stomachache, headache, sore throat, constant coughing, bleeding from the vagina and paining legs, all the symptoms of my period and my mild flu, I am gloriously happy.
Takes napkin and wipes the bullshit from her mouth*

Okay, I am miserable. My body is uncomfortable from lying down and when I get up my body gets so sore I walk with a slight hump. (haha, 'hump') I can't even enjoy the junk food my wonderful mommy bought for me. Now that is a tragedy.

But so as to not get you down, here is a couple of amusing pictures that have kept me sane today...

Is it a yawn, is it a sneeze? I... don't... know!

Llama say what?

Thought CakeBetch would get a kick out of this one:

 Squirrel Mimes!

"I will destroy you"

IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE HE IS TOTALLY THINKING THAT!

Bitch, please...